I sure wish I would have written this on Tuesday when I was drowning in excitement and happiness….Now (Even though I’m still very happy) I just feel bleh. ANYWAY. This week was…Okay…EXCEPT on Tuesday…It happened…Noooo we did not kiss….but…OH LOOK HERE COMES THE EXCITEMENT…WE FUCKING TALKED.
I don’t know what had gotten into me, who the fuck moved me or pushed me and made me just say everything I felt. I’m the cold person who never opened up, just told a stranger, who I’m in love and who happens to be my professor who is 33 and I’m only 19…two..or even three of my dirty big secrets…I just said them…How did I open up? What kind of power does she have on me that I was not even able to shut my mouth? And her listening and not judging…her saying she’s worried about me, her wanting to know whom I’m in love with, and me saying I love nobody, of course I had to lie, but the way she said somebody will chase me, somebody might be in love with me, the way she just said these words and I just…..stood there and looked into her eyes. It was wonderful, it was magical, did she sense it? Did she feel it?
I am not going into details, it was a 15 minutes conversation…But how did it start? Oh it was a miracle. I will be forever thankful to that friend who got me that necklace, which I have worn on that day, sat in the front row…and her noticing the necklace and saying she loves it in front of everybody. After class I went to give it to her and she refused, she said she would take it at the end of the year to be a memory…THEN I MADE MY MOVE…I asked if I could talk to her, I did not know how my mouth was moving and my brain was basically on pause? It felt like somebody was moving me, somebody was making these decisions, somebody inside…Is it my evil twin? Well I guess she’s not that evil after all, is she?
Is this how fate works? Is this how it supposed to be? I am scared, because it was the last time I have seen her, I don’t know what to expect next week. Why am I scared and worried? You know I told her not to worry but really I do want her to worry, because I know she can be the only one to help me, I went for her for help for something she put in me last year, I want her to fix me, does she know? Does she feel it? Oh I just want to know her story, I want to know everything and I just want to feel everything.
That was the light of my week, perhaps my month, maybe my year. I’ve always loved March, is it because I love the number three? Or is it because it’s the end of Winter and the beginning of Spring? Maybe it’s because I realized I’m in love with her last March? I don’t know, but I can agree on all three reasons. Yes it’s been a year, it must be right…right? I would not only give her an old rusty necklace…I would give her my heart, my soul and my body. I would give her everything she asks for. I wonder how it will end. Less than three months left…And I will never see her again. I sure do hope she takes this necklace and keeps it and always remembers me when she looks at it and I hope it will be a good memory.