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2014 Journal: The Spell is Broken.

Life is ironically hysterical. You expect what you wish for, never obtain it at the end. You push away the thought of your most longed craving, knowing that you had lost the chance, knowing you will never get it. Only to be shocked of finding it right before your small eyes one Wednesday at eight in the morning. Just the way you imagined it, just the way you craved it one day in your room while listening to angsty music. You once chuckled to yourself as the thought occurred to your brain, knowing that it will never ever happen. But somehow, a dream is manifested on earth and here she is standing there with all her false glory and sharp features, both of you pretending that you do not know each other. The past is the past, you tell yourself. Perhaps it is one of those dreams you’ve been having the whole summer, you also tell yourself. But no, she is actually there, and you are afraid you might blink and she vanishes into blackness once again. You change every plan you had just to sit in front of her once again, in hopes to prove you are no longer than nineteen your old girl who cried to her night and day, in hopes to prove to her that you have grown up and you are different. And here is the twist in my whole story. The return of my sweetest angel, and here she is and here I am. And who knows, perhaps next week she will be gone, but I saw her twice. These two times, they were filled with aching tummy and sneaky glances to her masked conduct.

Last week I was crying about her being gone. The dreams, I never thought I’d find a meaning. Frankly, I am frightened with my psychic abilities, I am rather shaken by my supernatural powers. Since I was young, they used to happen. I never learn, I can never tell. I never learned to read. All I knew is that she came in every dream and tried to whisper in my ears something I could not hear. I thought she died, I thought she was forever gone, but God, I swear she was standing there. The same woman in my dreams, except she was a human with flesh and blood. And still as attractive as ever, still as strong as ever. Still the same woman I have loved two years ago.

When I heard the news that she was seen at university, I proceeded with doubt. I said to myself, perhaps I will see her visiting one day. When I learned nobody was giving the 8 AM American Lit in the Nineteenth Century class I had more doubt. Usually she gives that class. But she was gone, so how could it be? A day later, I am shocked to learn that she is at university and is teaching my friend American Literature till 1800. What I did was go to the 8 AM class the next day. Anxiety-ridden and ready to hurl my coffee, I sat without registering. She enters. She scans everybody, she pretends not to know me. I do the same. Later, she shades me, straight up shades me. She said, “If I am upset with you, I would disappear for a week and try to make your life as hellish as possible.” I start quietly laughing. She says, “Maryam is laughing, she knows, she’s been there.” What do I do? I fuck up my entire schedule and register the subject with her. I see her the next day at the dean’s office. I was pleading to him to register me into a subject that I need. She comes there, for sure pretending not to know me. I do the same. I notice her staring, realization hits me….I was wearing the shall be damned necklace. Now here is the thing, I know better not to wear it in front of her. I did not have a class with her yesterday, I did not know I was going to see her. But she was there, and she saw it. The dean refused my request. She looked at me and said, “Don’t worry, I will go to the class, let them know I am giving it, they will drop one after the other and you will register it on your own.” And then she walked.

I am not sure what is happening, but it is fucking awkward. I am not sure how I feel. Am I happy or shocked? How and when? And why? I still assume I am dreaming. When I go on Monday, she won’t be there, another professor will be there. You just wait and you’ll see. 

Happy Birthday Tee Tee and Sasa


(I hope all your wishes come true <3 )


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*randomly feels pain on a random part of my body* oh god here we go im gonna die

(Source: canadad)